Thoughts of a troubled Malifaux player

Open your Mind

This is usually the day if you avidly check my blog that you would expect, most probably a #MFXTOP update. The painting competition is still on, don't you worry, but with the week off from the blog last week and a little less plugging I think I will leave the update until next Tuesday.

Instead, why not do what a lot of people use their blogs for; a place to unload my thoughts and ideas, after all, I do look at this blog as a thing for the community and occasional have guest posts but for the most part as with a lot in my life right now (all though I don't like it this way) it's a one-man operation.

Warning, this blog may contain some more colourful language than I usually let through.

Slightly inaccurate for this post.

I do love the BBC News style though.

What's been going on?

In a quite large and open sense my life had tumbled down a great big stinking hole last year and really it is mostly still in the chasm it fell in to. However, before you escape expecting me to break into an emotional rant about how bad life is or I don't know, doing some poetry, I will say that Malifaux the game and it's community has been one of my biggest life lines.

I never have shied away from mentioning how important a lot of my new found friendships through this game are, I feel that is only just and fair to thank everyone where I can and that the people who have essentially saved my life or at least me from myself deserve all the praise and more than I can give them.

Tournaments

The Malifaux tournament scene I cannot stress enough is fantastic, anyone who reads this and still hasn't made it to an event really should do so, I myself had been skeptical but it is just great.

When you become an adult social interactions can become more and more awkward to get into due to "life", you aren't forced into short periods of "work" followed by lots of play with people in your local area like school.

You aren't brought together in a similar work alcohol fuelled situation as you may have in college or university.

Basically getting towards and past thirty years old is a bit shit for a lot of people.

Why do you think that something like internet dating, a thing a decade ago everyone would giggle about is now pretty widely accepted? People can't always make time.

As gamers, we have clubs because it's somewhere that hopefully as a hub for similar people to gather at can give you a few hours of that social interaction you were able to get about half three to when your mum had dinner ready every week day.

Well what if you don't have a local club? Don't like the people there? Maybe the day is really bad?

Then head to a bloody tournament!

I know a lot of people hear tournament, their mind says "competitive" and to some people that simply equals pricks taking toy soldiers too seriously.

Now I cannot lie and say tournaments will not contain people like that somewhere, but then so does the average club and usually the person in the club is a just a big fish in a small pond, or simply, a cunt.

I have had experiences in events which I wish I had not, but even the worst of these does not outweigh how fantastic the rest of it is.

Tournaments also I will say are just better than a club night for the most part, they will tend to be longer meaning you will get twice to four times as many games in.

The social side also can be lots better, whether you head up early and hang out, go for a good fun meal after or just get to talk to tons of people during gaps in rounds and lunch.

As a person myself who has a fair few social anxieties I have felt that for me at least, these situations are also quite helpful and therefor healthy.

Familiarity of playing a game you know, to speaking to people who are a lot like you helps.

It's scary, every time before an event I get anxious, on occasions including the week before September's Curse I convince myself that I'm just not going to and staying home will be the better call.

I can tell you though, it never is.

To me whether I'm in control, being told what to do, talking to people I've met and spoke to online or to someone that I have no clue who they are I get very nervous.

Even to the stage where people I have spoken to quite personally with for months and have met, I still find myself a little twitchy and not finding the words to even have a conversation.

People though especially the Malifaux community are so comforting and welcoming though that in the end I can find the strength.

I'm sure anyone who has got far enough into reading this messy rant will probably be thinking "no confidence, you don't shut up on podcasts" and all I can say to that is "barriers".

Originally I was shitting myself when I first recorded a podcast with friends back in bigger Magic: The Gathering phase, I listen back to myself on "Protection from Noob" and I cringe.

When I got on to Malibros I was equally scared but after a while you get comfortable.

Talking down a microphone to a laptop screen becomes second nature and recording with other people on other podcasts or eventually becoming a Malifool is just, hard to explain any other way than surreal.

It's like in a small way the people on the end don't exist, it's a video game, talking to myself, it's just a laptop.

However, that in itself becomes a whole mess with the mind because nearly everyone I have podcasted with I am now good friends with, but luckily that eventually gets to the stage of comfort I had when sat in my friend Lennox's room recording things about M11.

Ugh... derailing.

September's Curse

SC14 has now been and gone, I still cannot believe it went as well as it did and I further can't believe the positive feedback I've had.

I put a lot of pride into the event, I knew if I did it and I helped out that I would want people to say they'd come back again, be something that is in everyone's calendar.

The issue was, my lack of faith.

I tend to find it hard to believe in myself, the past year has been not a boxing match with life but just a beat down, each time I find something to cling on to to lift my carcass of the ground a big lead pipe cracks against that limb and I have my face back on the floor.

In an odd way, I could see SC was going well and that had me scared.

"We're going to fuck up on the day" "The timings will be wrong" "People will hate the prizes!" "We don't have food for people" "we haven't sold out"

All these thoughts and more ran through my head, and the week leading up to SC, let's just say it was a big down for me.

I had decided on the Tuesday that I wasn't going.

My best friends in the world Aaron and Jan told me "you'll be missed" "you have to go, this is your event", but I just couldn't, at the time I just could not see myself having the strength and I trusted Aaron would do a fine job without me and I hoped that all the things I had in place would still run out fine and everyone could have a great time even with me in my bed at home.

Wednesday was almost as bad Tuesday and at this stage I had all but confirmed I wouldn't go, I spoke to Aaron and Jan about what I may need them to do, things they me need to grab and just double checked everything was in place. After all I still wanted the event to succeed.

Thursday night, maybe actually Friday it became clear that Ben Crowe and Austin were able to come down for the planned Saturday night chill out.

At this point I still wasn't going to go but with a free house I offered some sofas at the last second as a free bit of accommodation for them.

I guess in a way I was lucky, I had put myself in the awkward situation of not being able to fake something coming up as Ben and Oz were here.

Which was good because it forced me to get on with it.

September's Curse definitely was not perfect but I left Sunday evening tired as hell but pleased with what I had accomplished.

This was the first event that I had really fully planned, I had ran many a tournament in the battle bunker of my store, but this was another level.

Thankfully I wasn't alone and I don't think I could've done September's Curse without Aaron.

With the Isle of Faux boys becoming friends with us over the past few months and highly enjoying Somerfaux, I have felt more inspired to run more events, level up and take these things further.

In a way tournaments have given me some vision, something to aim towards, something to accomplish, something to actually be proud of and it helps.

For the most part, I can quietly plan, scheme and think my visions through.

While thankfully having some good mates that I can drag along with me to help with the "heavy lifting" as it were.

All the while learning and getting more great ideas that is the "SMP" think tank.

For all those that came to September's Curse, please feel free to tweet me, message me, email me, whatever about your experiences at SC I still think this "scrap book" idea will be a great way for me as one of the TOs to post a summary of the event (as I didn't play).

Tournaments again

Here comes the hypocritical part, I have given great consideration into quitting Malifaux all together.
Right now, I realise it is mostly emotions getting the best of me but I have not been pleased with myself and results from the few events I have been too.
In the future I will definitely have to write something (just to get it out) about stupid mistakes and how they can cost you games.

Malifaux has a learning curve for sure but the issue I have had with myself is the mistakes I make are almost schizophrenic, I am thinking about the right lines, picking the right things whilst in real life I'm going to fast, picking something incorrectly or just doing things that are plain wrong and knowing it.

I don't have any delusions that I am of a tournament winning quality, but I know I can do better.
Where that should be a driving force. and if you reading this feel that about yourself use it, I tend to just beat myself up about being a total fucking idiot.

Bad luck, off days, small pools of information. I could say this about myself and be ok, but I can't and I'm not.

I have however got a ticket to Malifolk, thanks to the fantastic Tractor Massive for being so welcoming and Matt Spooner for secretly quietly being amazing while just acting like a pervy sweary bloke on twitter I have a good chance to "get away".
I use quotations as it is only Norfolk, but for me it is the closest thing to a holiday in a long time and if you read my MCC report you'll know I felt that long weekend really helped me personally.

This Blog

Not everything I have wanted to do with this blog has been as successful as I would like whereas some things surprise me every day, the popularity of some articles to the lengths some people take to join in.

It's all pretty fantastic.

#ToMB seems to have fallen on it's arse, it was a mistake for me to do two but at that time I wanted the blog to be more (I still do) and writing those posts was at first very fun and easy for me to do.

Lynch though is on the sideline, the Arcanists are still at the front right now and all those plastics I had wanted throughout the process for Marcus have pretty much all come at once.

The #ToMB articles as a series are definitely over now, but I will try and wrap them up and maybe evolve them into something else.

For anyone who has got this far, well done, to be honest you're a bit mental for bothering but I love you for it.

-Ben (@psientologist)